chubolat's Journal

Subject:	"I Want To Live"
Time:	9:42 am.

Here I sit somewhat beleagured about what it is I'm supposed to do in order to get my life back. At the reality of 607lbs staring me in the eyes on October 25th, 2005 I felt disgusted as to what I was doing to myself. You see, I'm not one of these FAT people who hate themselves. The actual physical number of 607 brings out the stark facts as to why my mobility has decreased to the point of scaring me. I enjoy life too much in order to sit back and let immobility and a life of imprisonment in home take over. Now as far as the question as to what am I going to do about it? That's a million dollar question. And if you guys are reading this then that probably means that I have figured out a solution for me. Hopefully this will help someone else and also make lots of money for me. I am half Lebanese and I think everything can serve a dual purpose. I can bring myself back to health and at the same time help other people.

I have lost weight many times before, but I know that my most sucessful weight losss has been when I was contiually introspective. I need to write and to know what is going on with me emotionally. For some reason, writing does what I don't seem to process naturally. First of all let's talk about my LOVE for food. I don't think I can ever give up the passion I feel for good food. I just think I need to rethink and repair what is broken in me that tells me that I never have enough. I apparently am frightened of being hungry. When I do feel those ocassional hunger pains I usually feel a sense of panic. I don't know what that stems from. But I really do feel like it's going to kill me if I don't get something to eat. Now, logically I know better, but I'm just telling you how I feel.

Went to the Dr. yesterday and had the usual discussions as to what is it that I'm going to do about my weight? Is it gastric bypass? gastric banding? Weight Watcher's?
Overeater's Anonymous? Counting Calories? Atkins? I sit here today going I don't know what it is that I'm going to do. That's part of the reason I'm writing this. I need to get in touch with myself and make a decision to live life healthfully. My friend Dale who has lost a significant amount of weight through the years told me the other day that he always eats a good breakfast. Usually a couple of slices of toast and a couple of eggs. That's what I did this morning. But what I'm doing this morning that is more important is this writing. I was a member of the Overeaters Anonymous program from around 1984 through about 1998 I think. I'm not real good with remembering exact dates. I do know that my most sucessful time in that program was when I was journaling everday. This helped me get in touch with a Higher Power who I choose to call God.

When first joining Overeaters Anonymous I weighed around 420 and thought I was at my bottom. At over 600lbs today I guess I wasn't quite there yet. I'm not sure what a bottom
for me would be. Perhaps Death because of destroying myself with excess food. I have to say that I met some wonderful people there who I will always hold very dear to me. They led me from a person who didn't love themself a whole lot, to someone who did. I maintained over 100lb weight loss for over 10 to 12 years during that time. It was not perfect but I felt loved and I had found a group of some wonderful people who had some of the same problems as me. I'm not sure why? but I don't want to go back there as of now. I want to try something different. I know this journey is going to be rough. I'm not even sure what it's going to entail. And I've not decided on any program per se'. What I have decided is to WRITE down my feelings. I'd like to get in the practice of doing this everday. I don't trust myself at this point to say that's what I'll do. You see I've promised myself so many times as to how I was going to start dieting and taking better care of myself only to find myself doing the same things over and over again.. I guess I'm a little gun shy.

Journaling is an attempt to get back in touch with my inner most self that wants to live. Doing something about that today means sitting here physically writing out my feelings. I would be lying if I didn't say I feel very apprehensive about the whole thing. I also have to say that I don't really want to do this. I'm battle weary and disgusted. I don't like the situation that I've put myself in. I don't like the fact that eating too much food and not getting enough exercise and bad genentics can cause a person to destroy themselves. God I hate that reality. Oh well, I guess I don't have to like it to do it. I hate the fact that I am going to die soon if I keep doing what I have been doing up to now even more. Or should I just die Fat and Happy like they say. That got me to smile. Because for the most part I am fat and happy, until I have to face this reality. This REALITY pisses me off. What pisses me off even more is the fact that it's not going to be easy losing weight. Oh well enough for now, I don't want to make this journaling so much of a chore that I don't want to do it. Hopefully self I'll chat with you tomorrow. Sounds like a good title for these writings, "A Chat With Myself."

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